I'm having the feeling of leaving camp and feeling transformed and outside of my everyday life. As I write this I'm listening to --036 (My Roots are Strong and Deep) because that seemed pretty fitting and universe.
I've been having such a hard time lately. Everything at work has involved people pushing their perceptions on me, manipulating me, turning me into who they need me to be. They tore me apart until I had to leave to preserve what was left of myself. Being newly married and contemplating children has forced me to look at my life through a whole new lens. Has made me focus on where I am going and where I want to go. I was starving for you guys, and your ability to need me for the person I have been and am today. And for me to need you in the same way.
I love my husband more than anything in the whole world, but I was starving for the pure love of the KINGS. Spousal love involves romantic love, sexual love, but also logistics, and finances, and having similar visions for your life. I am in love with my husband and I couldn't imagine my life without him. He is the partner that I want in my everyday life. In a different way I am in love with thee kings, and I don't want to imagine my life without us. KINGS love is much different and about the ways that we love music, each other, romanticism, ritual, and a commitment to continue loving these things together. As peers. As equals. As people who have gone through so much together. As people who have grown and found our own lives but who maintain a commitment to each other. I was starving for you guys.
Driving through the beautiful Tennessee sunset, little white fatties and cow ass in the distance, mixes on the radio, surrounded by my KINGS, there is magic in that that I will never forget. A series of perfect moments. Playing kings and not just catching up but resuming our friendships as live beings moving forward, laughing so much like we always do, appreciating the beauty in the mundane as is our specialty. These are things that I will try to continue to breathe in when I feel starved again.
And I feel like I have reaffirmed that I want the life that I have chosen, but that I need to not lose myself in my decisions. I am a wing nut and a rock. I love music. I love creativity. I love ritual. I love peaceful calm and I love getting justified.
To see each of us, who have struggled so much together, be able to capture our same particular magic when we are all relatively stable and partnered and having made decisions rather than just not knowing what to do with ourselves. It's overwhelming.
We have added so much to our lexicon (corn country, cow ass, flamboyant careers in alcoholism, mental health TECH, gully, cold shower, see ya sideburns, whats with all the brass? etc.) which just further inspires me and proves to me that we will take this forward. KINGS is a living time capsule of our friendships and it will continue to grow and take on new forms. I am SUPER pumped on the subscription project and our monthly listening parties to help sustain us. Because we need to integrate KINGS into our lives. Everyone loves a binge, but I mean "Live. A Little".
And so here I am. Back home. Drinking a cider and smoking on my porch. I am missing your hugs and your laughs and your understanding. But I am back in the embrace of my life and my husband and my animals and I take all of that with me. And lets continue to reach across the universe and remind each other that we are all clutching oars together. I love you I love you I love you.
it is 8:06 pm
this is the seance
